Party of the Three Kingdoms II
by XQR
Summary: The next party. Wei's christmas party! Enjoy.
1. Phase 1

A/N: We're back, with the next party! It's Wei's turn (yay! They're my favourite!) and it's a Christmas one (yeah, I'm aware it's April).

Disclaimer: I regret to inform you that throughout this party I will not have any ownership of DW.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 1 – Phase 1

"Right, the invitations have been sent to each kingdom," Dian Wei said.

"Good," Sima Yi grunted. "Phase one is complete, my lord."

"No, not exactly. You lot have to go and buy the stuff," Cao Cao said.

"Stuff?" Xiahou Dun asked.

"Food, drink, etc." Cao Cao explained. "Do you think I'd let them starve?"

"Maybe…" Sima Yi said evilly.

"No, you might, but I said this would be the greatest party and it won't be without FOOD!" Cao Cao paused. "Besides, it's Christmas! We're treating our guests to a lovely roast dinner!"

"Poisoned?" Sima Yi asked. Cao Cao whacked him over the head.

"My poor Sima Yi!" Zhang He rushed over to the strategist. "Are you okay?"

"Anyway, I've wrote a shopping list and if you come back without something then I'll spit in your mouths while you sleep!" Cao Cao threatened.

"EW!" all of the officers said.

"Why do that?" Cao Ren asked.

"I've been watching too much Family Guy… We'll treat our guests to an episode of that as well!" Cao Cao roared. "NOW! Go shopping!!!!!"

They looked like a right odd bunch going round Tesco. They were getting loads of biscuits and potatoes and 15 turkeys! Dian Wei and Xu Zhu handled the drinks, 20 bottles of Coke, 15 Sprite and 10 Fanta. Plus all the wine…well, everyone decided that they were the strongest and could therefore handle the task. Sima Yi was in charge of the shopping list.

"Cao Ren, sweets. Can you reach them?" Sima Yi said mockingly. "Zhang He, chocolate. Is it too heavy for you?"

Eventually they got to the till…and after some time, 79 plastic bags and 6 trolleys it was ready to go back to Xia Pi.

"That'll be £328.34, please," the person at the till said. Sima Yi's mouth dropped to the floor, he knew it would cost a lot, but that was **a lot more** than he had expected! He got out his Hello Kitty purse (it was a present from Zhang He) and handed over the cash.

"My lord, phase one is now complete," Sima Yi said.

"Nope," Cao Cao said simply.

"What?!"

"Look at the place! Thick with dust! I want this place cleaned up, now!"

The men looked at each other, then at Zhen Ji.

"Say, Zhen Ji…you're the woman of the castle, it should be your job to do the cleaning." Sima Yi nudged her.

"NO! Cao Cao! Tell them. Tell them what'll happen if they don't help!" Zhen Ji whined.

"I'll spit in your mouths…and you will be grounded!"

"Grounded! No! Does that mean I can't go to the battle of Chi Bi?" Dian Wei cried.

"That's exactly what it means!" Cao Cao said.

"Come on people, let's clean! Wouldn't want to miss a battle, would we?" Dian Wei already had his polish and cloth.

"I'm not feeling too well, maybe I should sit this part of the phase out…" Sima Yi moaned.

"Oh, that's a shame. It seems that you won't be well enough for the party and phase 2." Cao Cao patted Sima's head.

"Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, wouldn't want to miss phase 2, would I?" Sima Yi ran to join the others.

Sima Yi ended up with the job of cleaning the tiles of the main hall. With a tiny toothbrush…

"Now, don't miss a spot," Cao Cao said as he walked past, leaving a trail of muddy footprints. Sima Yi had steam coming out of his ears.

"Oh, Yi-chan, poor you getting this horrible job. Here, I'll help you!" Zhang He produced a toothbrush, got down on his hands and knees and began to scrub.

"It's done!" Sima Yi lobbed his toothbrush at Xu Zhu, who didn't even know he'd got hit. "Phase one complete?"

"Let me think…" Cao Cao looked thoughtful. "No."

"What the hell?!"

"It continues tomorrow. We have to set out the food and stuff," Cao Cao said.

"Oh, that's alright. I get to relax," Sima Yi said.

"Yeah, with me!" Zhang He put an arm around Sima Yi.

"No, I'm going to bed; you can sleep in your own bed." Zhang He gave Sima Yi puppy dog eyes. "No, I need my sleep. We'll up 'til all hours tomorrow night."

"Fine…" Zhang He slumped away.

XOXOXOX

The next day everyone was up and preparing food.

"XU ZHU! Stop eating the biscuits!" Cao Cao yelled.

"You're gonna have to give him a different job, nothing to do with food," Cao Pi said.

"Right. Xu Zhu, go and…make sure the music system is working and make sure that we have some good music for when the other kingdoms arrive."

"Have you picked some people to carry the bags?" Cao Pi asked.

"No, I'll have Dian Wei, Xu Zhu and Pang De…oh, wait, he's dead! Cao Ren then. Xiahou Yuan too." Shakira starts to play.

"I was expecting something…different from Xu Zhu. But this is better music than I could have hoped for," Xiahou Dun said.

"Wait! Is the Christmas tree up?" Cao Cao asked.

"Yep! I done it all by myself. Well, I had a little help from Zhang Liao, but I decorated it," Zhang He said.

"Sima Yi, you better go and check…who knows how Zhang He has decorated it…" Cao Pi said. Sima Yi rushed to the main hall to find the Christmas tree sprayed pink with glittery baubles and purple snowflakes with sparkly tinsel. Sima Yi rushed back to Cao Pi.

"OMG! It's pink! We need another one!!!" Sima Yi cried. Just then Xiahou Dun came in with a green tree.

"Xiahou Dun, put that tree in the main hall and decorate without Zhang He's help," Cao Pi said.

"Okay."

"Everything should be ready and…"

DING DONG!

"They're here!" Cao Cao rushed to the door.

"Muhahahaha! Phase 2!" Sima Yi rubbed his hands evilly.

A/N: I know it's kinda Sima Yi, Zhang He and Cao Cao a lot, but I like them. Anyway, I've started and I hoped you liked it, so please review!


	2. Look At These Idiots

A/N: I'm so happy – my music teacher has finally learnt my name after 8 MONTHS!!! Oh well…enjoy this chap.

Disclaimer: Me, Xiaoqiaorocks. Xiaoqiaorocks not own DW.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 2 – Look At These Idiots!

Sima Yi fell about laughing.

"You look…like a bunch of idiots!!!" Sima Yi pointed at them.

"What the hell?!" Liu Bei yelled. "It said fancy dress on the invitation!" Shu's leader was dressed as a cabbage.

"Oh my," Cao Cao said when he came to the door. "That is well shameful!"

"Shut up," Guan Yu snapped. He was dressed as a broccoli and Zhang Fei was a cauliflower.

"Look at Zhao Yun!" Zhang He screamed. "He's Twinky Winky!!!"

"That _is_ bad," Xiahou Dun said.

"You lot should go upstairs and take them off…" Cao Cao said. As they walked in Sima Yi took a picture of each of them.

"Ha! Take the shame! You listened to the invitation. What a bunch of dildos." Sima Yi snapped away.

DING DONG!

"Bring on round 2!" Sima Yi ran to the door and yanked it open. "Oh my god! That is so cute Lu Xun!" He was a Japanese schoolgirl.

"I just wanna get in on that!" Zhang He said.

"Get off, he's mine!" Gan Ning, aka Spiderman, stood in front of the poor boy.

"Well, I must say, a better cast than Shu," Cao Cao said.

"What'd they come as?" Sun Ce asked.

"Most were vegetables and Teletubies…" Cao Ren said.

"That's gay," Sun Ce said. "So, why aren't you in costume?"

"This is a plot from Sima Yi," Xiahou Dun said.

"He's so smart!" Zhang He hugged Sima Yi.

"You can go upstairs and get changed if you want," Cao Cao said. Once again Sima Yi took loads of photos. Just then Zhuge Liang walked by…

"SHAME!!!" Sima Yi yelled. "Yours has got to be the worst!" Zhuge Liang was a female stripper with only underwear on. "Why haven't you changed? Do you like to wear high heels and a bra?"

"I don't have any clothes underneath, do I?" Zhuge Liang said. "I need some clothes from my bag, which is outside."

XOXOXOX

The others arrived soon enough with Meng Huo as a bear, Zhang Jiao as a vicar and Diao Chan dressed as Lu Bu. Zhuge Liang was able to get changed too.

"Dian Wei, Xu Zhu, Cao Ren and Xiahou Yuan! BAGS!" Cao Cao yelled.

"Damn, I thought he'd forget," Dian Wei said.

"What forget that!?" Cao Ren pointed to a mountain of bags that was as tall as 10 Xu Zhu's.

"WOW…………" Xiahou Yuan stared up at it. "Surely we didn't bring this much to Wu's sleepover."

"Probably not. It's winter, people have more stuff and all the presents. Over there." Dian Wei pointed to another pile which was only half as tall.

"We're gonna need some help…"

"Excuse me, Xiao Qiao," Cao Ren said.

"I'm LU XUN!"

"What!? Why didn't you change?" Cao Ren asked.

"Well, you see that big pile out the window?" Lu Xun pointed. "My bag is right at the bottom."

"Okay, so will you help us? Your reward is your clothes."

"I can get them without helping you," Lu Xun pointed out.

"Ah, but helping us will get them to you quicker," Cao Ren said.

"Whatever, it's better than everyone staring at me…" Lu Xun marched out to start work.

"Say, Lu Bu, you look strong," Dian Wei said.

"Of course I am!" Lu Bu stuck out his chest.

"Would you mind proving your strength by helping move a few bags?" Dian Wei asked.

"No, that's too easy…"

"No, these are really heavy bags. Diao Chan wouldn't even attempt to lift these in her dizziest daydreams."

"Okay, count me in."

Eventually they had Lu Xun, Lu Bu, Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu and Guan Ping working for them. Liu Bei had made his brothers so it and Guan Yu had made Guan Ping do it, to be more virtuous. They did it in record time of 20 minutes.

XOXOXOX

"Now?" Zhen Ji asked.

"Yes, now," Cao Cao said.

A/N: Done. I had this great idea in drama the other day, but I can't remember it. Damn! Yes, I admit it, I completely forgot about this fic, that is why this had taken so long.


	3. Phase 3

A/N: I know, I'm bad. I forgot about this, I've been busy. But when the summer holidays come I'm hoping to get right back into it.

Disclaimer: I own nuttin.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 3 – Phase 3

Zhen Ji and Cao Pi walked onto the marble floor and began to dance to the slow music. Then others began to join them – but this wasn't really how the dancing was going to be. The music turned to a fast RnB tune. Dian Wei, Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao walked out in hoodies and began to break dance. Sun Quan, Ling Tong and Gan Ning matched their incredible dance moves, performing head spins and back flips, etc. Shu joined in as well to make it a dabce battle of the Three Kingdoms. Dian Wei done a really cool back flip onto a table, but the table broke under his weight.

"Dian Wei you're gonna pay for that!!!" Cao Cao yelled. The table has been made out of glass.

Wu won in the end – they were obviously the fittest. The Wei and Shu participants ended up sprawled over the floor like they'd just lost all of their health.

"This ain't right, we're the hosts, we're supposed to win!!!" Cao Pi moaned. So he began to do the cheesiest dance moves you've ever seen.

"My eyes!" Xiao Qiao yelled. "Tell him he wins! Just stop dancing!!!!!"

So in the end Cao Pi and Wei were proclaimed the winners. But they cheated, like they usually do in these situations…

"There you go, phase 3 done, my Lord," Sima Yi said.

"Yes, I just wish Cao Pi would stop being so competitive. Oh well, WE WON!!!! Shame all you losers!" Cao Cao danced around.

"I'm adding to phase 3, Xiahou Yuan suggested this." Sima Yi walked over to the CD player and turned on a Christmas tune.

"Oh! Sima Yi, dance with me." Zhang He grabbed the poor strategist's hand and dragged him in. Now he began to regret it a bit. Oh well, he could just blame Xiahou Yuan. Sima Yi was glad that they were not the only couple on the dance floor.

"Oi! Sima Yi, you've pulled!" Gan Ning said. Sima Yi blushed.

"Sima Yi…"

"What, Zhang He?" he asked.

"We're under the mistletoe!!!!" Then he pulled the strategist in and snogged him…for a long while…so long that half of those present were looking at them by the time Zhang He let go.

"Zhang He," Sima Yi whispered. "I don't mind, but next time can you please pick somewhere a little more private?"

"Of course, darling." Zhang He skipped away. Suddenly Cao Cao was behind Sima Yi.

"Well…either that didn't go according to plan or that was intentional…"

"I wasn't expecting it…but it was rather pleasant," Sima Yi said. "Anyway, we need to begin work on phase 4. How is the roast dinner?"

"The guys are working hard out back," Zhen Ji said.

"Poisoned?"

"Sima Yi, I said NO!!!!" Cao Cao slapped him. "NO poisoning the guests."

"But then what will I do with this bottle of purple stuff? It's expensive poison," Zhen Ji said.

"Save it for later, when we play truth or dare or whatever game we play," Cao Cao said.

"Great, my money's not going to waste!!!!" Sima Yi said. "What? It cost £100. It's not cheap stuff and if the dude I poison doesn't die then I'm gonna sue!"

"Mmmm…do you smell that?" Xu Zhu asked.

"Well, that's why we didn't put you in the kitchen," Sima Yi explained. "I know, you can set the table. Oh, and don't stab anyone with the knives!"

Xu Zhu ran off and the table was set so fast it was unbelievable.

"DINNER!!!" a shout came from the kitchen.

A/N: Yes, finally! I hope you enjoyed it. Please review. I apologise once again.


	4. Dinner's Served

A/N: Enjoy chap 4.

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 4 – Dinner's Served!

Everyone ran to the long table in the dining room.

"You all have a nickname on the table – you must find it!" Sima Yi yelled.

"Fat…fat, is it pig?" Xu Zhu asked.

"Yes, that's you, sit down," Sima Yi said. The chair was double the size of a normal chair.

"Who is 'boyfriend'?" Lu Bu asked.

"You're my boyfriend," Diao Chan said. "It must be you!"

"May I remind you all that if you sit in the wrong place you get a pie thrown in your face," Sima Yi announced.

"Ooh! 'Pretty Boy'! That's me!" Zhang He said.

"Slut?" Zhen Ji looked at the tag. "That can't surely be me!" Then she walked away.

"Pirate, that's you, Gan Ning," Lu Xun said.

"Yeah, and you're Burn Boy," Gan Ning laughed.

After 10 minutes of debating they were all seated.

"Now, Zhen Ji, PIE!" Sima Yi rubbed it in real good. "You are NOT an Enchantress. You are a SLUT!"

"OMG! How can you say that?!" she screamed.

"Everyone thinks so, stop pretending you aren't." Then he moved on. "Lu Bu, you are not my Boyfriend – Zhang He is! Zhang He you are not a Pretty Boy (well you are to me), you are my Boyfriend. Zhou Yu is the Pretty Boy. Well done to Gan Ning and Lu Xun. Zhao Yun – It Boy – correct!" Then Sima Yi arrived at a very angry looking Cao Pi. "Good you are Cow Pee. And there's The Cow at the head of the table."

"Sima Yi, come here. NOW!" Cao Cao yelled. Then he switched to a whisper, "next time you'd better give me a better name or leave me out altogether!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, don't moan at me – after all, it was you who hired me to organise most of this." Sima Yi moved onto the last names. "Fan Girl. Xiao Qiao? Well I suppose you are, I meant your sister. You are supposed to be sitting under 'Fan Girl 2 and Annoying Brat', you see that seat next to Zhou Yu? It's yours. I'm so nice aren't I? Sitting you next to your husband."

"IT'S THE FOOOOOOOD!" Xu Zhu yelled. Then he began to bang his knife and fork on the table.

"Give us a second," Dian Wei said as he placed down the fattest turkey ever.

XOXOX

"This is great food, Cao Cao," Liu Bei said.

"Yeah, I didn't think Wei's soldiers were such good chefs," Sun Ce said.

"Hey, Xu Zhu, how did you manage to get the name 'Enchantress'?" Xiahou Dun asked.

"I asked them all if I could move up the table – all the food's gone down that end," he explained.

"WHAT?!" Sima Yi exclaimed. "But all that money…can no one ever satisfy you?"

"Hmm…we put more food down that end…"

"Don't worry, Sima Yi," Xiahou Yuan said. "Most of that money was spent on sweets for later."

"There's MORE?" Xu Zhu had big dreamy eyes.

"What? No…did I say _later_? I meant earlier." Xiahou Yuan was trying to cover up his mistake. "Sima Yi, may I have a word?" Sima Yi nodded. "In private." The two got up and left the table.

"I've got an idea. We could give Xu Zhu a sleeping pill – without him knowing – and then that'll keep him out of the way later," Xiahou Yuan said.

"OMG!" Sima Yi slapped his forehead. "What a great idea. I never knew that you actually had a brain, I thought it was all sawdust in there."

"Oh shut up, just do it."

XOXOX

"A toast," Sima Yi said. "To Wei's excellent Christmas party and to the Three Kingdoms. Long live Wei!" Then they all drank their red wine.

"Ah-hem."

"Done," Sima Yi said as they watched Xu Zhu drown his glass quicker than anyone else. Their latest plan was going well.

"Now, feel free to relax for an hour or so," Cao Cao said.

"Zhuge Liang, we must play chess!!!!!!" Sima Yi yelled.

"Let us go then."

A/N: Sorry about the wait. Harry Potter came out, then Pokemon Pearl. Both are so addictive. Oh well, at least this is done. Please review.


	5. Chesse

A/N: Finally doing this. And it's October! Let's hope it's finished in time for xmas…

Disclaimer: Ask Koei – you won't find my name on their list.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 5 – Chess(e)

"Place your bets!" Xiahou Yuan was going round asking people who they thought would win – Zhuge Liang or Sima Yi. So far most people were on Sima Yi's side.

"Sima Yi's the one who wins in Dynasty Warriors!" Zhao Yun said. "Sorry Zhuge Liang…"

"The Liang guy will win!" Xiao Qiao said. "He's the good one."

"My money's on Yi – he's more cunning." Cao Cao nodded. Liu Bei coughed very loudly at the remarks that Zhuge Liang would loose and Xu Zhu fainted at the loudest one.

"WHOO HOO!!!!" Xiahou Yuan yelled as Xu Zhu hit the floor.

"What are you so happy about?!" asked Zhu Rong.

"He's out! Oi! Sima Yi! Xu Zhu's down!" Xiahou Yuan shouted.

"Finally! I thought he'd never go, now on with the game!" Sima Yi said.

Zhuge Liang was being white and Sima Yi black – to reflect their personalities.

It took Zhuge Liang 5 whole minutes to make his first turn. Meanwhile some people had wondered off…

"Cheese…" Wei Yan said.

"It's close enough to chess…" Jiang Wei said. "What do we do now?"

"We wrap it up as someone's Christmas present!" Ma Chao said.

"Yeah! Who?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Sima…Yi," Wei Yan suggested.

"Yes – and put it from Zhang He!" Ma Chao clapped.

"That was so gay…" Wei Yan said at normal speed.

"Erm…sorry."

XOXOX

Jiang Wei had to put it under the tree – man, it stunk! Then the three of them returned to the chess game.

"What turn is this now?" Ma Chao asked. It seemed that the pieces hadn't moved…

"This is Zhuge Liang's 2nd turn. Sima Yi's only had one go."

"Hurry up!" Ma Chao yelled in a weird voice.

A sweat drop slid down Zhuge Liang's face. Then he moved a pawn and wiped his head like it was so hard.

XOXOX

Zhou Yu and Sun Ce had slipped off to an empty room…

Zhou Yu had pushed Sun Ce into a corner and was snogging the pants off of Sun Ce.

"Uh, Sun Ce…I love you…come on…ah…" Zhou Yu said between breaths and kissing him. Hands were roaming across each others bodies…then the door creaked open.

The two men froze with their hands in places which they shouldn't really be.

"Hiya Zhou Yu!" Xiao Qiao's voice echoed in the empty room. "What ya doing?"

"J-just telling Sun Ce a secret – shh!" he said shakily.

"Oh, okay –shh," she whispered. Then she left.

"Whoa! Didn't she notice anything unusual there – like the fact that my hands are on your butt!!!" Sun Ce exclaimed.

"That was a close one…let's go get some crisps – I feel like cheese and onion." Zhou Yu walked off.

XOXOX

When the two Wu officers returned they found that Zhuge Liang had been beaten up (most likely by impatient people) and that Sima Yi was the chess champion.

"Who thinks they can defeat me?!" Sima Yi asked.

"Me!" Zhou Yu said. "Hey – where's Xu Zhu?"

"We towed him away," Sima Yi said.

"How did you do it?"

"With great difficulty – me, Dian Wei, Xiahou Yuan and Lu Bu did it while Zhuge Liang had one of his turns," Sima Yi explained.

XOXOX

"Hey, Lu Meng, they have little fishies here! Look! Nemo! It's a piranha! I'm gonna touch it…" Taishi Ci said.

"What?! No – Taishi Ci!" But Lu Meng was too late – he'd been devoured by the 'little fishies'. "Oh well, it's not like anyone cared about him."

Then Lu Meng went back to see how Zhou Yu was getting on.

XOXOX

Zhou Yu was doing well… Then Xiao Qiao came over and kicked the board and she ran away from Zhang He.

"NO!" the pair yelled.

"Oh well, I was winning anyway," Sima Yi said.

"NO! I was winning!" Zhou Yu said. It kind of went like that for 5 minutes.

"It's time to get pretty for our fancy dress competition!" Cao Cao announced.

A/N: Whoo hoo I done chap 5! Please review all you kind people.


	6. Phase 6

A/N: Yay – next chp! Do you remember what everyone was dressed as?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 6 – Phase 6

"Hmm…this is better – everyone's back in fancy dress. I don't know why they changed out of it," Cao Cao said looking around the room. "We've got Liu Bei as a cabbage. That's gotta score high…"

"But Zhao Yun's Tinky Winky!" Zhang He said. "He's my favourite!"

"Ha! The best one was the Japanese School Girl – Lu Xun. That skirt was _way_ too short for him!" Sima Yi smirked. "Actually no, I've changed my mind – Zhuge Liang in woman's underwear is much better!!! MUHAHAHAHA!"

"Well…I must say that Meng Huo has done the most hilarious cosplay of Diao Chan ever!" Xiahou Dun was doubled over. "I mean – he's got her actual clothes on!!! How can he even attempt to fit into them?!"

"Actually – if I remember rightly Meng Huo came as a bear…" Zhang He said.

"Let me check the pictures…" Sima Yi flicked through them. "Oh my – gay boy here's right!"

"So…he nicked Diao Chan's real clothes…eww. What will she wear tomorrow?" Xiahou Dun wondered.

"Then what is she wearing now…?" Cao Pi asked in _that_ sort of voice.

"Her fancy dress costume, you perv!" Cao Cao said.

"Oh yeah, I knew that!" Cao Pi said.

XOXOXOX

"Right, we have our winners," Cao Cao said.

"Yes – 3rd, 2nd and 1st place!" Sima Yi laughed evilly. Everyone was nervous now.

"In 3rd place… The Teletubies! Zhao Yun, Ma Chao, Yue Ying and Jiang Wei!" Zhang He announced. When they came up onto the stage Zhang He was giving them a weird smile. They got their picture taken and hurried out of the room to change back into their normal clothes.

"Now, my personal favourite, 2nd place goes to…the woman stripper-"

"Zhen Ji?" Cao Pi asked.

"No – ZHUGE LIANG!!!!" Sima Yi yelled so that people in the UK could hear (remember they're in China!). "Take the shame you whore!"

"Shut up," Zhuge Liang muttered.

"OMG! I wonder who's in 1st place?" Dian Wei whispered to Xu Zhu.

"So…in 1st place is…" Zhang He left the rest up to Sima Yi, seeing as he didn't actually know…

"It's…ME!!!" Sima Yi announced.

"WTF?!" half of the warriors yelled. The other half fell off their chairs.

"Well of course I win – I look just like Sima Yi – in fact, I _am _him," Sima Yi explained. "You can't get any better than that, can you?"

"Cheater!!!"

"I didn't cheat, you bunch of losers!" he said, taking the crown and placing it on his head.

"Ooh – Sima Yi, can you keep that on until later – it makes you look so hot!" Zhang He said.

XOXOXOX

Once they'd finally settled down the announcement was able to be made.

"You lot better get your acts together, because the talent show's starting in 10 minutes – and you're all expected to compete," Cao Pi said.

"WHAT!!!???" they yelled at him.

"Yes, well, had you not been yelling and bickering, you would've had more time," Cao Cao told them.

A/N: Well…I'm sorry this took so long – I had mock SATS, poor health and laziness. Oh well…looks like it won't be completed for xmas. Please review and tune in next time for their (feeble) talent show attempts. 


	7. Talent Show

A/N: I've failed…It's gone past xmas… Oh well, it'll be ready by xmas 08! LOL. On with the fic.

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 7 – The Talent Show

"Welcome to our talent show – Muhahahaha!!!" Sima Yi smirked. "If I don't like your act then I'm not gonna let you have any presents!!!"

"NO!" Zhang He yelled right in Sima Yi's ear.

"Zhang He, shut up. I'll let _you_ and all of Wei have their gifts – _they've_ earned it."

The other kingdoms muttered amongst themselves.

"Well, one with the show – Zhao Yun, you're first. Come on, Poster-boy, let's not wait for the grass to grow!" Sima Yi shouted.

Zhao Yun stood on the stage, as nervous as he felt, from the audience's point of view he looked as if he did this everyday. Which was correct, but he began to flex his muscles and strike poses as if someone was taking his photo.

"Get of the stage!" Sima Yi roared. "That's so boring. My dad could do better than that!"

"Now it's a group!" Zhang He screamed in joy. "Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei – yay!"

The three brothers stood in their vegetable outfits. Then they began to sing in a way that would've made Simon Cowell drop dead, "_you should eat your vegetables. They will make you big and strong like us!_"

Then they went into solos. Liu Bei was up first, "_cabbage is bright and green. It will turn you into a rabbit…"_

And Guan Yu, "_Broccoli looks like a tree. You will turn into a strong tree, tall and green."_

Zhang Fei ended the terrible song, "_CAULIFLOWER!!! You can't go wrong. It looks like a flower and your girlfriend will love it!!!"_

Sima Yi was in fits of laughter. His face was beetroot red and he could barely breathe…

The Teletubies, Zhao Yun, Ma Chao, Yue Ying and Jiang Wei made big fools of themselves.

Firstly, tomatoes were thrown at Zhao Yun because this was his second appearance on stage and because they acted out the most stupid scene in teletubie history… It was so gay…

"Now, over to Lu Xun – OMG! He's got his schoolgirl outfit on!!!" Sima Yi laughed. He did, however, forget to mention that the young man was soaking wet. He looked as if he'd just been swimming. But at Xia Pi there was no swimming pool… Zhou Yu looked at the window – it wasn't even raining…

Then Lu Xun opened his mouth and the reason behind school uniform became very clear.

"_All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head…" _he sung. To tell the truth, he wasn't that bad a singer and really he'd done quite well – he almost looked like one of the girls (minus the boobs and black hair). But the thing that made Sima Yi laugh was the acting… Lu Xun was just hugging himself…well, he _was. _Until Zhang He threw himself on stage – then the young strategist decided that Zhang He would make a good substitute. Lu Xun pulled Zhang He towards him and during the instrumental he snogged Zhang He – almost to death it seemed.

Sima Yi found this hilarious…well sort of. If he hadn't of known that Lu Xun was already in a relationship, then he would've kicked his butt into next Christmas!!!

"And now for the four-act – Zhou Yu (as Dong Zhuo), Sun Ce (as Liu Bei), Sun Jian and Sun Quan (who's acting as Cao Cao!)."

Cao Cao's mouth fell to the floor as Sun Quan walked on looking nothing like him. He looked UGLY!!! The worst cosplay Cao Cao had ever seen – why couldn't Sun Ce had played him?

Even Zhou Yu had made Dong Zhuo look prettier than him!!! This was well bad. They could sleep outside tonight!

Other acts included Zhu Rong riding Meng Huo like a horse whilst chasing Wei Yan and the two Qiao's doing a bit of fan dancing ("yawn," says Sima Yi). Lu Bu and Diao Chan acted out a very emotional love scene.

But it wouldn't end with someone so boring. Sima Yi had made sure that this person went last. After coming second in the fancy dress competition, Sima Yi felt sure that he would be just as entertaining in the talent show.

"Zhuge Liang, get up here and entertain me!" Sima Yi demanded.

Zhuge Liang came on, back in his long white and green robes.

"The art of war is very hard to master…" he began. Oh no – this was gonna be crap!

But then Jiang Wei hit the play button on the CD player he held and at the same time Zhuge Liang ripped of his robes to reveal his women's underwear from earlier.

"WTF?!" Sima Yi's eyes were wide with shock. Zhang He giggled as Jiang Wei placed a pole upright on the stage. "He's gonna pole dance!!!" Sima Yi screamed.

That was it! Sima Yi pulled a camera out and began to snap away – Zhuge Liang wouldn't get away with this – this stupidity would haunt his forever – Sima Yi would make sure of it!!!

Zhuge Liang took hold of the metal pole and began to wind his legs around it, spinning and twisting… He was never gonna live this done once Sima Yi had finished…

XOXOXOX

After 11 minutes, Sima Yi returned to the stage with his 'glamorous' assistant – ZHANG HE!!!

"This has been extremely hard – that's why it took 11 minutes, instead of 10," Sima Yi explained. "So in 3rd place is… LU BU & DIAO CHAN!!! Ha! You got slapped you slut!!!"

Actually, everyone was really surprised that these two came 3rd – after all, they hadn't really embarrassed themselves.

"And in 2nd," said Zhang He.

"…The vegetables – LIU BEI, GUAN YU AND ZHANG FEI!!!!" Sima Yi gave the most evil smirk ever. "Well done, broccoli." He patted Guan Yu on the back.

"And finally – in 1st place…" Zhang He announced.

"It's LU XUN!!!" Sima Yi shouted.

"YES!!!!!!!!!!" Lu Xun yelled so loud that that they probably could've heard him in Russia.

"ONLY JOKING!!!" Sima Yi laughed. Man, he was so evil.

Lu Xun burst into tears and ran from the room.

"The _real_ winner is… ZHUGE LIANG!!!!"

Everyone knew that this was no bluff and Shu began to cheer, but Wu were kind of annoyed for two reasons – one, their officer had just been hurt and laughed and two, Zhuge Liang practically won the fancy dress… So, yeah, they were pretty sad.

"Well, enough of these competitions," Cao Cao said. Then to Sima Yi he whispered, "what's the next phase?"

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!"

A/N: Done. Yay. Quite quickly actually…


	8. Phase 8

A/N: You heard Sima Yi – game time!

Disclaimer: If I owned then Pang De would never have looked like _that_ in DW5.

Party of the Three Kingdoms

Chapter 8 – Phase 8

"What are we gonna play first?" Zhang He bounced around.

"What do you want to play?" Sima Yi asked.

"Ooh – I know!!! I wanna play… Charades!!!!" Zhang He squealed.

"Right, I'll go first." Sima Yi made the sign for a film.

"FILM!" the warriors yelled.

He pointed to Meng Huo.

"MENG HUO!!!" they yelled.

Sima Yi nodded his head, he walked over to Meng Huo and tugged on his hair.

"HAIR!"

Sima Yi motioned "sort of." He then pointed to a flower in a large stone pot.

"FLOWER!!!"

"No, he means POT!!!" Lu Xun yelled.

"I want pot!" someone shouted, they all looked around, but were unable to tell who said it.

"HAIR POT!"

"HAIRY POT!"

"HAIRY POTTY!"

Sima Yi shook his head – but they were getting closer.

"HARRY POTTER!!!"

"YES!" Sima Yi yelled. "Okay, Cao Pi, you're next."

"But I got it!" someone yelled – who was it? It didn't matter, Sima Yi didn't care.

"Alright." Cao Pi began to turn pages that we're there.

"BOOK!"

He pointed at Zhen Ji.

"ZHEN JI!"

"WOMAN!"

He shook his head and pretended he had boobs.

"TITS!"

"BALLS!"

Cao Pi continued to make many different signs.

"DICK!"

"SEX!"

"NUT!"

"FOOD!" Xu Zhu yelled. Everyone wondered why he'd said that…

"WEE!"

"CRAP!"

"SPERM!"

"WAIT! We need to guess the book…"

"PORN!" Cao Pi nodded.

"BOOB!"

After much more guessing, no one was able to guess the correct answer… So they gave up.

"What was it?"

"Actually," Cao Pi said, "I just wanted to hear you all say dirty things." Everyone gave him a crazy look. "You could've said 'porn magazine'…"

XOXOXOX

In time, charades got boring. Well, Xu Zhu done something that none of them had ever even heard of…

So, they decided to dare each other.

"Alright, we'll start with Wu," Cao Pi said.

"Excellent. Sun Ce first." Sima Yi threw him a bottle.

"What?"

"It might come in handy, it might not."

"Cao Cao, you're daring him," Xiahou Dun said.

"Cool. Sun Ce, I dare you to…erm…dunno. How about you piss in that bottle."

"Easy."

And soon enough the bottle was half full.

"You could've made it a bit harder," Sun Ce said, putting to bottle in front of him.

"Next up, Cao Ren daring Da Qiao." Sima Yi glared at Cao Ren, willing him to give her an interesting dare.

"Okay then, Sima Yi, I want her to snog you."

"Very good."

Da Qiao walked over to the strategist and snogged him professionally.

"She's good. She should be in Wei, but on with the show…"

There were many small dares. They weren't all that interesting, until Sima Yi got his turn.

"Xiao Qiao, I dare you to take off your top and put your boobs in…Xing Cai's face!" All the men were interested in this dare and enjoyed watching this bit of yuri.

It was back to Cao Cao, "Zhou Yu, I want you to piss in that bottle too."

No one quite understood why Cao Cao was getting people to fill up this bottle…Well not until his turn came around again.

"Now, Liu Bei, drink the piss!!!"

Sima Yi was impressed. This was disgusting and it pleased him that his lord shared in his insanity.

"My turn," Sima Yi said. He took out a small bottle of purple liquid. "I dare Huang Zhong to drink this."

"Sure." Wow. He expected at least 'what is it?' - never mind.

Huang Zhong drank it in one gulp. Then his body began to shake and he fell to the floor, almost comically.

"Yes! Muhahahaha!!! Zhen Ji – he drank the poison, our money wasn't wasted!!!!" Sima Yi did a corny victory dance.

"Good."

A/N: Hope you liked it. Treasure it, the next chap probably wont get done for another month or 2 knowing me. (Sorry!)


	9. What to Watch

A/N: Busy

A/N: Busy. Cosplay costume and SATs soon… Well, now to write some of this… Been writing a few other fics…might put them up…might not.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!!

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 9 – What to Watch

"Well, what we gonna watch?" Sima Yi asked.

"That Barbie film – the swan one!" Zhang He said.

"Any _other _suggestions?"

"We should watch the adaptation of Hamlet, it would be very educational," Cao Cao said.

"No way! Half these dipsticks probably wouldn't understand the way they talk anyway." Sima Yi looked over to where he kept the DVDs. Unfortunately for him, there was someone in the way.

"Hey! You've got all the Family Guy seasons over here!" Ling Tong called.

Throughout the room everyone began to mumble and confer with each other.

"Yeah, I love Family Guy…"

"It never gets old…"

"I would totally not mind watching a few episodes…"

Well, it seemed that everyone was in agreement…

"All in agreement to watch Family Guy say 'I'," Sima Yi yelled.

"I!" they shouted.

"Sorry, was there anyone that didn't agree?" Sima Yi asked.

"Yeah – Zhang Fei said 'why', not 'I'," Liu Bei announced.

"Okay. He can stay in the cage outside – all night!" Sima Yi laughed. "No, I'm serious – take him outside and lock him in."

XOXOXOX

_Peter stood at the mirror in his bathroom._

"_Wear your whore make-up, you filthy whore!"_

_Peter took some lipstick that was on the side of the sink and drew all over his face._

"Oh, I do love Family Guy!" Ling Tong said, mimicking drawing on his face.

"I can't believe that we started on series four and got through to number six…"

Sima Yi glanced at the clock that hung further up the ceiling, directly above the large TV.

"Wow! It's 3am!" he said.

"Yay! That means it's Christmas day!" Zhang He yelled. "Sima Yi, can I open my presents? Please, oh pretty please!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because Santa hasn't been, has he?"

"Oh yeah…" Zhang He thought about it – _when_ did Santa come?

"Quick, Santa only comes to good people who go to sleep!"

Zhang He was out of the room quicker than you could say 'Han dynasty'.

"Hey! I want pressies too!" Xiao Qiao followed Zhang He.

A/N: Well, this is done. It was done ages ago…I didn't realise (sorry!) And it's short because, the film ones are always short…


	10. Sleep?

A/N: No

A/N: No.10. Yay! Double figures!

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 10 – Sleep?

Slowly people left for bed. Soon there were very few warriors left. Only two episodes of Family Guy remained before they'd finished the sixth series.

"_Hey, Brian, would you pass the cool whip?"_

"Hey, Zhuge Liang, why aren't you upstairs? You're wife went upstairs an hour ago – she'll get lonely," Sima Yi said.

"I'm sure she won't." Zhuge Liang's eyes were looking very red.

"And you too, Lu Xun, aren't you slaughtered? It's been a long day."

"No way, I ate tons of sugar. Oh yes!!"

It seemed that it was a battle of who could stay awake the longest. But, by the looks of things, Zhuge Liang was going to loose very quickly.

XOXOXOX

However, the strategists weren't the only ones awake, even if they didn't know it.

In the room that held the game consoles, more warriors were up and playing their favourite game – Dynasty Warriors.

"Zhao Yun, I'm playing with you!" Ma Chao picked up a controller.

"We'll play the battle of…hmm…I want to play Chang Ban."

"Typical. Playing one with yourself in…" Xiahou Dun said. "I want to play Hu Lao Gate – it snows, very appropriate seeing as it's Christmas, eh?"

"I suppose. I didn't know you thought about these things." Xiahou Yuan thumped Dun on the back.

"Kill Liu Bei!" Ma Chao attempted to hit the Shu leader, but his spear went right through. The PS2 allow you to hurt a member of your side – how unfair…

"Say, where's Lu Bu… I thought he'd love this kind of thing." Zhao Yun tore his eyes from the screen momentarily to peer round.

"Then what you didn't know is that Lu Bu believes in Santa and followed Zhang He when Sima Yi warned him about no presents," Xiahou Dun said.

"Oh my…I thought Lu Bu was better than that… Someone should tell him, seriously. I can't believe Diao Chan hasn't," Ma Chao said. "We must do it – in the name of justice!"

"No, our bigger problem is making you stop saying that word!" laughed Zhao Yun.

XOXOXOX

"He's gone," Lu Xun said.

Zhuge Liang lay asleep on the floor. Family Guy has finished and they were now on to South Park.

"I gonna win – I ate lots of sugar!" Lu Xun yelled.

"Sure!" Sima Yi said on an unusually high voice. Little did Lu Xun know that during that 'toilet break', Sima Yi had scoffed a load chocolate. Sima Yi wasn't giving up anytime soon…

XOXOXOX

"The final! Zhao Yun vs Xiahou Dun! Battle at Wu Zhang Plains!" Jiang Wei announced. "Start!"

"Hey, did you see that? That shadow?" Ma Chao asked.

"What? No, don't worry." Xiahou Yuan turned back the battle, but Ma Chao was worrying – hadn't everyone gone to bed?

"There it is again!" Ma Chao exclaimed.

"Ma Chao, just shut up – you'll wake the whole castle!" Xiahou Yuan yelled.

"Maybe it's Santa…"

XOXOXOX

"I WON!! I WON!!" Sima Yi had beaten Lu Xun, actually quite literally.

They'd ended up having a fight…with pillows and seeing as Sima Yi had recently eaten a lot of sugar, he had beaten Lu Xun easily.

Lu Xun now lay on the floor, sleeping like a baby. Sima Yi then left, laughing as he did.

XOXOXOX

"OMG! There it is again!!" Ma Chao screamed.

"OMG! Shut up!!" everyone yelled back.

"That's it! I'm going after this thing!" Xiahou Yuan left and stomped down the hall.

However, Zhao Yun and Xiahou Dun really didn't care. They were both on Wu Zhang Plains, struggling to stay alive…

"I'm gonna live! I've almost killed Zhuge Liang!" Zhao Yun yelled.

"WTH?! I'm supposed to kill him – you're meant to kill Sima Yi!!" Xiahou Dun laughed.

"NOOO!! I've lost! I killed my own commander! I'm so dumb!!"

"MUHAHAHAHA!!" Xiahou Dun collected his trophy…that was made out of paper…

"Guys! I found the shadow!" Xiahou Yuan motioned for them to follow him. He led them down the hall and they gathered round the door to the living room.

"It's in there?" Ma Chao asked. His face was white with fear.

"God, Ma Chao, you're such a coward. I mean you _kill_ people!" Xiahou Dun said.

Then they quickly pushed to door open and flicked the light on, lighting up the 'thing'. And then Ma Chao felt like an idiot.

The thing was in fact –

"SIMA YI!"

"WTF!? You lot are meant to be in bed!" Sima Yi was crouched by the Christmas tree with a sack full of presents by him.

"Look! He stealing the presents! Oh no!" Ma Chao did a dramatic sigh.

"What?! No, I'm putting them out. Seriously – who else is going to do it? Santa isn't real you know, Ma Chao," Sima Yi sneered.

"Yeah, I know that."

"Good, then leave me to finish. I must get Zhang He's present; otherwise he'll be very sad tomorrow. And if you lot don't scram, then I'll have your presents for myself. Muhaha!!" Sima Yi pulled a large pink box from the sack, read the tag and placed it next to many red parcels.

The warriors made their way upstairs and found that everyone wasn't asleep – they either had a DS or PSP which they were using to play Dynasty Warriors.

"So, you guys wanna go back downstairs?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Yeah, and we can get some fresh blood while we're up here!" Zhao Yun said.

"Oi! Who wants to play on the consoles downstairs?!"

A/N: Yay! SATs are over! I did my first cosplay! Xiao Qiao Project up on Youtube (hint hint)!

Hopefully this'll be finished soon too. 


	11. Presents!

Disclaimer: I own nothing as usual

Disclaimer: I own nothing as usual.

Party of the Three Kingdoms II

Chapter 11 – Presents!!

Eventually everyone had fallen asleep at some point and many didn't get up until noon.

Sima Yi had slept slumped against the door to the living room – guarding it so that no one could get to the presents.

Once all of the warriors had risen, Sima Yi unlocked the door and let them loose. They flooded into the room and dived into the pile of presents that Sima Yi had neatly set out.

"XIAHOU DUN!! You got a pressie!!" Zhang He yelled.

"OMG! Who got Dong Zhuo one? He's DEAD people!!"

"YAY!! I got one from Zhou Yu!!" Xiao screamed.

It was utter chaos. Who was the dumb one that got one for Dong Zhuo? He might have to have that one himself…

"Sima Yi! I love my one!! I'm going to wear it everyday! Thank you thank you thank you!!" Then Zhang He pulled Sima Yi in and gave him a kiss.

Elsewhere, Xu Zhu was unwrapping many presents – all of which were from Dian Wei, but he didn't know that because he didn't read the tags – and Dian Wei, being very unimaginative, had got 12 portions of dim sum and just wrapped them individually.

"I got more dim sum," Xu Zhu told Dian Wei.

"That's alright though, isn't it? Dim sum's your favourite?"

"Yeah, but some chocolate would've been nice…"

Well, that would be his birthday sorted – 12 extra large bars of chocolate!

"Who got me this?!" Zhen Ji yelled.

"Read the label, love," Cao Pi suggested.

"I did. It just has my name and nothing else."

"Well, does the handwriting look familiar?" Cao Pi shook his next present.

"They've cut the character's out of a newspaper!"

"Well, I think they've got to be pretty smart to think of that. I reckon it was a strategist," Cao Pi said. "What was it that they got you anyway?"

"Well, um…see for yourself." She pushed a small black book into his hands. Cao Pi looked at it – there was nothing written on the front, so he opened to the first page. His eyes widened. In bold letters it said 'THE SLUT'S GUIDE TO SCORING AN EXTRA 10 HUSBANDS.'

"Ha, you know who got you this – Sima Yi! Even I can see that."

She was up in a second, marching over to where Sima Yi and Zhang He were sharing a kiss.

"HOW VERY DARE YOU!!" She pulled Zhang He off of the strategist and grabbed the neck of his shirt. "So, d'you wanna be husband number 3?"

Diao Chan had one of the largest presents there.

" 'To Diao Chan, lots of hugs and kisses Lu Bu xxx' Aw, thank you so much!"

"Open it with care," he said.

She slowly opened the large gift. It was very soft and felt like clothes. Hm? Since when did Lu Bu buy anyone clothes?

It was a beautiful white floor length dress with a bow.

"Diao Chan, will you marry me?" Lu Bu said loudly enough so that everyone heard and they all turned to watch. The pair seemed to glow and sparkle.

"No."

"WHAT?!" Lu Bu and a couple of the others yelled. "I just paid all of that money… I could've spent it on wine…" he whispered to himself. "Why?"

"Well, that's not how history goes."

"WHAT? This fic is all about changing history!" Lu Bu yelled.

"Well, I just don't want to enter into such a huge commitment."

"We live together and everything. I pay for all your stuff and you won't even marry me – after all we've been through!" Lu Bu got up and began to walk away.

"I'll make it up to you tonight and the rest if the week," she called after him.

"Okay then…"

XOXOX

"Alright then – we have 6 presents let. No one has claimed them – they're all dead. MUHAHA!! Some idiot got Dong Zhuo one, Taishi Ci had 2 and Huang Zhong scored 3," Sima Yi announced. "So, who wants them?"

Sadly, all of Taishi Ci's and Huang Zhong's were claimed buy those who had brought them. That just left Dong Zhuo's.

"No one claiming? Alright Xu Zhu, it's yours."

Xu Zhu bounded up to the table where the present sat, looking very sinister. He first removed the large pink bow and then opened the lid of the box… Everyone was watching, waiting… Xu Zhu moved round the box, inspecting whatever was in it from all sides.

"What is it?" Sima Yi asked.

"It's…it's a…TURD!!" he yelled.

"Ew, that was sick, who ever did that."

Xu Zhu put he's hand into the box.

"Xu Zhu, leave it," Sima Yi said.

As the warriors brought his hand out everyone could see a piece of paper scrunched up.

"It says: 'it's some dog shit.' Can I eat it?"

"No. You're just as bad as the person who sent this." Sima Yi sighed. "Let's go outside and play some football."

A/N: I've recently been using my writing skills for other things – writing scripts. But hey, I did this all in one go for once. I hope you enjoyed it.


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